Sometimes when I'm trying to communicate in Japanese, I feel like I'm wearing clothes that I'm not used to... something really bulky and awkward, like a costume I didn't pick out. The image of David trying on Saul's armor before his fight with Goliath comes to mind. Maybe my battle isn't quite so significant, especially if I am just trying to figure out some ingredients in the grocery store or wondering why the trains are late. But when I'm trying so hard to communicate my heart, I feel like my words are wearing this big, heavy, bulky armor that keeps them from moving freely. I wish I could shed the awkwardness and just go out with a sling and a few rocks like David did. I wish I could travel more lightly and move more nimbly, instead of having my mind bogged down with what verb form I am using or wondering if I've communicated in a way that shows an appropriate amount of respect.
It's getting easier. I don't worry quite so much as I used to, especially to the point of not saying anything. But sometimes I feel like my helmet is on crooked and I can't see my toes, and it just feels so cumbersome. I pray that the humility I'm learning by being less-than-competent makes Jesus happy. I thank God for my friends who graciously wait as I search for the right words to clothe my thoughts. And I pray that I will remember that the message I came to bring is worth any amount of embarrassment or awkwardness on my part.