I may be a bit of a nerd, but I kind of like tests. I enjoy the review, and I love knowing what to study to be well prepared. I tend to do better on tests than I do in real life. I really like the structure of the classroom and knowing what to expect.
Sometimes I feel like my life here in Japan is a test, or more specifically, a series of pop quizzes that I can never adequately prepare for. I go to the grocery store and realize that I don't how to say the item I have a question about. I order at a restaurant but can't decipher the super-polite language of the waitress' response. The worst is going to church. I never know what the conversation will be about, or how to prepare for what to say to whoever I might have a chance to talk to. Last week I got into a conversation with a group of people and our pastor. Talk about pressure! I feel like I have to come up with something brilliant to say, something that shows that I care and am engaged, something that proves that although I'm a foreigner, my Japanese is good enough that they can be my friend, and to top it all off, something with proper grammar and appropriate endings for the social statuses of everyone involved, all in the matter of a split second. If I think of it even a second too late, the conversation has moved on without me. Talk about a nightmare for an introvert who doesn't work well under pressure.
Maybe God is using this humbling task of language learning to teach me to surrender some of my desire to be prepared and in control. Maybe becoming a child again linguistically will help me to learn dependence on him and on others. I came to Japan thinking I could offer something, but instead I feel like it is breaking me. The pressure, the loneliness, the longing for more... My only hope for making a difference is allowing others to witness God's grace through my brokenness. Maybe he won't use a put-together Meg, but a broken piece of a once-proud Meg instead. And when an opportunity comes to demonstrate his love and grace, may I view it as just that and not as a test. And may I throw my calculated reservations to the wind and let him love through me, even if my grammar isn't quite right.